"NASA announced that women applicants
"will be interviewed today for the new space program
"that will send an American man-and-woman team of astronauts
as the first couple on the moon."
Why did you not tell me
that you were going to the moon with a woman?
Slipped my mind.
Well, I hope you have a very enjoyable dinner
with your lady astronaut.
Uh, do you really wanna know why I didn't tell you?
No. No?
Mm-mm. What is it?
Oh, well, I'm trying to get out of the project.
Are you really? Yeah.
Why?
Well, who wants to go to the moon
with a female Louis Pasteur?
Oh, I remember Professor Pasteur.
He had a darling beard. Yeah.
Have you ever seen any of these lady scientists? Forget it.
Would you like me to help you get out of the project, master?
No, no. I'll handle it myself, thank you. Thank you.
Have a good day.
Oh.
Oh, sister, you surprised me.
You surprise me even more, darling.
Falling for that line about a female Louis Pasteur.
What do you mean?
Sweetie pie,
the day of the horn-rimmed glasses,
long tweed skirt and flat shoes is over.
Nowadays, they wear minismocks.
Oh.
In a laboratory?
Well, that's why so many labs have blown up.
The men scientists keep dropping their test tubes.
You mean to say my master will be living on the moon
with a beautiful girl?
Mm-hm.
Well, what will I do?
Leave everything to your big sister.
I'll make sure your master
doesn't get off that launch pad with another woman.
Would you do that for me?
Darling, have I ever let you down?
No.
It occurs to me, gentlemen, that your anxieties
over this mission are predicated on the fact
that the applicants will turn out to be
dull, drab, intellectual females.
Well, sir, based on my past experience...
Well, now, major, let me assure you
that the woman-scientist image has changed.
The day of the horn-rimmed glasses,
the long tweed skirt,
and the flat shoes is over.
Uh, honestly, sir, based on my experience,
I really can't agree with you there.
Oh, uh, send in the first applicant, will you, please?
Dr. Bellows, I think that this person ought to be trained.
You'll see. In the same procedures we are.
Doctor Bellows?
Yes. I'm Professor Henrietta Swanson.
Oh, how do you do, professor? How do you do?
Uh, this is Major Nelson.
Major Nelson.
How do you do?
And Major Healey.
How do you do, Major Healey?
I see by your application that you're teaching, uh,
nuclear physics at Carver College.
Yes, that's right.
Good, may I take your coat?
Hey, I'll take it. I'll take it.
Oh.
Would you mind telling me the address of Carver College?
Well, you see, on my lunch hour,
I moonlight as a cocktail waitress.
Why don't I take the professor
to the lunar mock-up and show her the base operation.
Uh, let's not be premature, major.
Uh, I'm afraid I have to get back to the restaurant.
Well, I haven't eaten yet. I'll drive you.
Major Healey, remember we have another applicant to screen.
Thank you very much, Professor Swanson.
Thank you. We'll let you know.
Professor Swanson, is that...? We'll let you know.
Thank you. We'll let you know.
Thank you very much. Don't get cold.
Nuclear physicist, eh?
I don't think we need to look any further, sir.
I think that this woman probably needs...
Now, let me remind you that we need two women, major.
One for the backup team.
I wonder what yours is going to look like?
Excuse me.
I'm Dr. Rita Walters. You must be Dr. Bellows.
Yes, how do you do, doctor?
Oh, excuse me, this is Major Nelson.
How do you do, Dr. Walters?
And, uh, Major Healey. Hello.
Well, you certainly come well-qualified.
Uh, B.A., B.S., M.A., PhD.
And I see by records that you spent
a great deal of time in the Middle East.
That's right, doctor.
I was very intrigued by your hobbies.
Oh, really? What are they?
Oh...
carpet-making and...
flying.
Now, before we make the final pairings
of teams in this project,
we'll conduct a series of tests.
Since the man and woman who'll land on the moon
will be totally isolated from the rest of the universe,
it is extremely important that they be compatible.
I don't think there's any question
about the professor and I being compatible, sir.
She moonlights as a cocktail waitress
and, uh, I moonlight in cocktail lounges.
The computer will make the proper decision, Major Healey.
I'm counting on it.
We all are.
Now, then, these are very simple questions,
and I'll ask that you make your response
on the cards in front of you.
First question.
If, uh, you were furnishing a house, what style would you use?
Early American, contemporary,
Danish modern or French provincial.
Major Healey.
Have you answered that question?
Good. Second question.
Now, what is your favorite dog?
German shepherd, French poodle,
English sheepdog or Mexican Chihuahua?
No humming.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, the results are now coming through.
Oh, boy, are we going to have a lot of fun on the moon.
Uh, ask the machine what time we leave, huh?
Now, uh, as for the type of furnishing,
Professor Swanson, you answered early American.
And Major Healey, you answered French provincial.
Wait a minute. I didn't hum French provincial.
I love early American. I am an early American.
Tell them, don't I have an old spinning wheel in the parlor?
From these cards, it would appear that.
Major Nelson and Professor Swanson
are the more compatible team.
The final selection will be made
after the physical fitness test.
A physical fitness test?
Woman applicant who demonstrates the best coordination
and physical fitness will be on
your number one team, Major Nelson.
And the other will be on the backup team with Major Healey.
Dr. Bellows, that's unfair. Oh?
Well, you see, I was
the national women's gymnastic champion in college.
And what about you, Dr. Walters?
Hm? Oh, I was a 97-pound weakling, darling.
Now, then, ladies,
our first test will be chin-ups.
Professor Swanson, you first, please.
Would you like to try now, Dr. Walters?
Very good. And now we'll move over to the basketball court.
Yeah, we're going to be playing a lot of basketball on the moon.
A lot of basketball. Yeah.
Well, we'll now test your coordination, ladies
by each of you attempting to sink some baskets.
Professor Swanson, you first.
Very good.
Thank you. Very good.
And now, Dr. Walters, if you please.
Well, I've never done this before,
but it looks like it's a gas.
Excellent, Dr. Walters. Excellent.
And now, uh, if we'll just go...
Oh.
Excuse me.
Well, congratulations, Dr. Walters,
you've just been chosen to train with Major Nelson
in our simulated lunar house.
Well...
That is if the Olympic team
doesn't steal you away from us.
Oh, believe me, no one's going to steal me from Major Nelson.
I have some marvelous plans for us.
Say, how did you do that anyway? I gave it a try myself...
Oh, excuse me, Major Nelson. This is your new teammate.
Oh, welcome aboard, Dr. Walters.
Well, at least you get a nice consolation prize, professor.
Oh, what's that, major?
Me.
Well, gentlemen, we have some additional work in my office.
Ladies, we'll see you tomorrow at 8:00.
Yes, uh, tomorrow at 8:00, professor.
Sister?
Oh, well, look who's here.
You look worried, pet.
I am.
Did you not say you'd keep women off the launch pad
with my master? That's right.
They have just selected you to go on this project with him.
Oh, yes, but I'm not another woman. I'm your sister.
But you will go to the moon with my master.
Oh, don't be such a square, darling.
The moon is a dull lump of clay.
Oh, you mean you will not go there?
I wouldn't be caught dead there.
The really swinging planet is Venus.
Yes? Oh, hi, come on in.
Good evening, major.
Hi, Tony. Good evening.
What can I do for you?
We're just on our way to dinner.
We wanted to ask you to join us.
Didn't we, major?
Oh, I... Really, I couldn't.
Tell him you insist he join us for dinner.
She wants me to tell you I insist you join us for dinner.
That's the most gracious invitation I've ever had
but really I'm sorry, I can't.
You can't?
Oh. Oh, that's great. It's part of the program.
We want to see if we're compatible for dinner.
Quick thinking.
I'll get it. So you're going out?
Yeah? Major Nelson.
Yes? They told me at NASA
I might find Professor Swanson here.
Professor Swan... Oh, yes. Professor?
Yes? Sugar.
Turk. What are you doing here?
I stopped by to see who you're going to the moon with.
Not me. Him.
Oh, well, I'm just part of the runner-up team.
We'll probably never get off the ground.
Major Healey, Major Nelson, this is my fiancé, Turk Parker.
Turk Parker. The All-Pro linebacker?
That's right.
Well, how do you do?
Uh, Major Healey and I were just on our way to dinner.
Yeah, well, I have a good idea. Why don't you join us?
I have a better idea.
Why don't you join us?
That's a better idea.
Uh, you know, you could tell Turk all about the project.
Well, look, it's a little late and I forgot
I had another dinner engagement. I think I'll just go home...
I have one question I would like to answer now.
Well, what's that?
What happens when you and my girl get to the moon?
Oh, we, uh, plan to read a lot.
I'm going to the library to pick up some books.
What about dinner, Roger? Bye.
I'm sorry, he gets like this.
Good night, major.
It's been a pleasure meeting you, Turk.
Major Nelson?
Thanks. It's been a pleasure.
Ooh. Jeannie?
Jeannie. Oh, master?
I've got something to tell you, young lady.
Dr. Walters is my sister.
Dr. Walters is your sister?
Yes. Yeah.
Well, you knew about it?
You asked her to do this? Oh, no, master.
Well, it won't work. She can't go.
The whole point of this project is to put two people
on the moon together. See what'll happen.
And she's not a people, she's a genie.
No, master. You start blinking.
You get her out of this right away.
No, master.
What do you mean, no? Well, I cannot.
Why not?
Well, it does not work on genies.
Well, something better work or she's gonna be with me
in that lunar house for three whole months.
Lunar house? Yeah...
Well, it's a room where they lock us up.
And she cannot get out? That's right.
Well, that is the answer. What? What's the answer?
Genies are afraid of being bottled up.
The moment she discovers that she cannot get out,
she will be terrified.
She'll panic and they'll wash her out of the project.
I certainly hope so, master
or I am afraid you are going to be swinging on Venus.
What?
This morning, we'll have you
familiarize yourselves with the lunar house.
Zulu, Able, Foxtrot.
This is, uh, the lunar mock-up.
I'll be transmitting on 122.8 VHF.
In order to orient yourselves, I think it'd be a good idea
to, uh, test out your equipment.
Major Nelson, see that the panel board and the electronic devices
are all functioning properly.
Oh, any questions?
Uh, yes. Dr. Bellows?
Uh, yes, major?
In case of panic,
do you want me to abort the mission?
Well, you do have a panic button on the panel.
But I'm sure that it won't be necessary to use it.
Oh, of course not, sir. I was just checking.
Oh, is there really a panic button?
Uh, don't worry, uh,
we'll never have to use it.
Kind of snug in here, isn't it?
Yes, isn't it heaven?
Get off.
You know, a person could get
claustrophobia in a place like this.
Just think, after three months,
when the project is over, we'll spend three months here.
Three whole months. Yes, it's truly heaven.
Fight it, fight it.
Oh, fight what, darling?
Well, the...
The panic... The panic that you're feeling now
from being all bottled up, I'm sure...
I'm not feeling panicky.
Oh, yes, you are. I can see it in your eyes.
Oh, oh. Major Baby.
Now, listen, just fight it, will you?
I... I... I know it's awfully hard but it's...
You're losing your cool, darling.
I'm losing my cool?
You're the one that's losing your cool.
Prof. Swanson, I want you to notice
calm is the most important ingredient.
Yes, I can see that, doctor.
Major Nelson, what's the matter with you?
I... I... Wait a minute. Dr. Bellows?
Dr. Bellows, I've got a hysterical woman on my hands.
Isn't he darling?
Major, do you want me to scrub the operation for today?
No. No, no, no. Don't scrub the mission.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Carry on.
Lie down, darling, and relax. You're losing your cool.
No, I'm not losing my cool.
You just close those baby blues and go to sleep.
Now, now, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I... I... I think we ought to, uh...
We ought to take a look at some of our equipment.
♪ Lullaby ♪
♪ Dee-dee-dee ♪
Now, wait a minute.
You're sure you're not getting a closed-in feeling?
All I feel is togetherness.
Ah!
We're gonna test your breaking point, doctor.
Woo, groovy.
Yeah.
Okay. Up you go.
Ah! Ah!
Major Nelson, where are you?
He's up there.
Dr. Walters, what's he doing up there?
What are you doing up there, Major Baby?
Tell him I'm testing the weightlessness.
Oh, he's testing weightlessness.
It's too early for that. Get him down immediately.
Dr. Walters, what in the world is happening?
I was just trying to get Major...
Oh. Oh!
Go to the panel board and press the vacuum pressure button.
Aha. Yea, daddy.
I don't think this is right.
Hello, Dr. Bellows.
She didn't fall apart.
I fell apart.
I cannot understand it.
I was sure she would be terrified
of being alone in a closed place.
No, she wasn't the least bit terrified.
Alone? Mm.
Oh, she was never alone for a second.
I was her security blanket.
You gotta get her bottled up and out
before she ruins the whole project.
But if she suddenly disappears.
How are you going to explain it to NASA?
Well, I won't have to explain it to NASA.
Because she is not suddenly gonna disappear.
Oh, listen...
You sent for me, major?
Oh, yes, Dr. Walters.
I, uh, thought since we're both in the project
we might as well spend as much time as possible together.
Groovy.
Yes. Um, physical fitness is a key factor.
We've got to keep our bodies in good shape.
Mm-hm. Yes.
Well, one of our bodies is in good shape already.
Yes.
Now, the first thing we ought to do is start practicing
on the lunar landing chute.
What is the lunar landing chute?
Oh, well, it's this right here.
You see, when we land on the moon
we'll have to get to the surface through a tube similar to this.
Well, well, what will they think of next?
Yeah. Do you want to try it on for size?
Uh, no. No, it's not my bag.
You're not afraid, are you?
No, no, no.
Well, go ahead, try it on. I'll be right behind you.
Oh, you'll be in the tube with me.
Sure, sure.
Oh. Well, that's a whole other scene.
Go ahead.
Oh, look.
Major Nelson.
Ah!
Hello, Dr. Bellows, how are you?
May I ask what you're doing with that trash can?
I'm throwing it out, sir.
Well, I know that, but why?
Well, it's classified trash, and it should be thrown out
by a classified man who's classified to throw out
the classified trash. Do I make myself clear?
All of our janitors have security clearances.
They haven't come on duty yet, sir.
They don't come on until 6:00.
And I thought I'd just tidy up the gymnasium.
You show me a clean gymnasium, I'll show you a clean astronaut.
Well, Major Nelson, where's Dr. Walters?
Dr. Walters. Oh, Dr. Walters...?
Sorry I'm late to...
Ah!
Dr. Walters. Here's Dr. Walters.
I want you both to report to the lunar house at 1600.
Yes. Right, sir. We'll be there at 1600.
Right.
Jeannie, hey, you made it just in time.
You... Wh...? Now, you are Jeannie, aren't you?
I mean, I really can't tell...
Yes, you can.
Yeah, you're my Jeannie.
We'll have another go with lunar house familiarization.
And this time, Major Nelson, try to exercise
a little more self-control.
I think everything will be just fine this time, sir.
Oh, you do not have to worry about him.
Listen, I want you to wait a few minutes
and then really crack up.
Oh, must I, master?
Jeannie, it's the only way we're gonna
get Dr. Walters out of the project.
But now that I am here I am thinking how wonderful
it would be to be alone with you on the moon.
Jeannie, the whole idea of the project
is to put a man and a woman on the moon together,
now, you're not a woman.
That's beside the point.
What is going on, Major Nelson? We keep losing our picture.
Please, master.
I will keep house for you on the moon just like we do on Earth.
We've just lost the audio too.
Would you go over there and sit down?
Now, Dr. Bellows, I think I've found the problem.
Oh, master.
Jeannie!
Oh, master, what are you doing?
Pull the switch! What switch?
The red one. Which? Oh.
Yes, master. Do not worry. Do not worry.
Major Nelson, what's going on? What's happening?
Jeannie! Ah!
Thank you, Dr. Walters.
Uh, Dr. Bellows, I think we've remedied the situation.
Incredible.
It just shows you never know how things are gonna work out.
We're gonna have to find a replacement.
Gee, that's too bad.
I hope you weren't too disappointed, sir.
I am sure you will be able to find someone to replace me.
Replace you? Oh, my dear Dr. Walters,
you're going to the moon.
I'm replacing Major Nelson.
It's bad enough they washed me out of the moon project.
But they could have washed me out of the whole NASA program.
I told you I was sorry, master.
Yeah.
Tony. Yeah?
Good news.
They're giving me a court-martial.
No, no, the whole operation.
First Couple to the Moon has been scrubbed.
No kidding? No kidding.
Well, did they give an explanation for it?
No, Dr. Bellows says something about
the American man and woman
has deep-seated male-female hostilities.
They have overly complicated libido problems
and they can't resolve the Oedipus complex.
And the linebacker punched Dr. Bellows in the nose.
You're kidding.
But I'll tell you what, listen, the captain barge
is throwing a party tonight and he has
his two twin sisters there?
Wants me to bring you. You think...?
I'll get my hat. Yeah.
Tell you what, you think we should bring two cars?
You had better go without him, major.
He will be hanging around the house this evening.
Yeah. Yeah.
Would you...? Jeannie, would you stop?
Would you...? Would you...?